Top 10 things I would say if I were a tour guide


Sierra Vakili / Daily Nexus

This is the season when the pure, young and innocent future Gauchos come in droves to visit our campus. Freed from the horrors of a DTD fraternity and unaware of the terrors Chancellor Yang will bring them over the next four years, these would-be freshmen bring their parents, including the most stereotypical Karen, to their side, who are waiting to pounce on the nearest undergraduate student and ask them a series of questions about their “incredible” college life. Alongside their siblings who clearly don’t give a fuck, these kids have made the last few weeks hell by busting all the clubs out of their dungeons, taking over the mess halls and, worst of all, finally bringing back tours to haunt our campus. If I had the chance to lead a tour, that’s what I would say.

1. You can walk on bike paths!

To my delight, many future Gauchos were already following my advice last weekend! Yellow is such a beautiful and tempting color, so why not just walk along the lines?

2. Take all of your classes at Theater IV!

Follow those pretty yellow lines to Theater IV for one of the shortest rides on campus. It’s an easy walk to and from the freshman dorms, and that’s definitely no downside! Bonus points if you sign up for an 8h here! (The earlier your classes, the better your life will be!)

3. No one here drinks.

Seriously. Del Playa is actually just a place where we gather on weekends to worship Chancellor Yang and give him all our money.

4. The eighth floor of the library is the party floor!

On the rare occasion that there is somehow, miraculously, a party in the safe haven that is Isla Vista, it will be on the upper floors of the library. It’s actually school tradition to get all the craziness out here during finals week!

5. Talk to everyone in the arbor!

If you want to make friends and get free stuff without wasting your time, talk to everyone in the Arbor! Pick up every flyer! And you certainly won’t be late for your class!

6. Join CALPIRG!

They certainly won’t bother you with 20 emails a week! They won’t call you at inconvenient times! They won’t ask you to attend every possible event! It’s definitely not a cult!

7. Take your parents to Ganja on Friday nights for the full UCSB experience!

If your parents are still reluctant to let you attend UCSB, Ganja is the perfect place to show them the pure, calm, and studious nature of our school. Ganja offers free study sessions every hour of the day and even has a place where parents can meet and talk about the friendliness and spirituality of Isla Vista.

8. Eat DLG with every meal!

Students constantly rave about DLG, one of our four dining halls, which time and again has proven to be the best! With a wide variety of dishes that change 100% every night and meals that taste like they come down from the sky, DLG is sure to please the whole family. Gordon Ramsay himself even visited the area and cried with joy when presented with a slice of taco pizza.

9. Nexustentialism is a legitimate source of information.

Please stop him with all this “satire” stuff. It’s not a real word. I googled it. I am a journalist.

10. The administration will feed on your happiness until you are a superficial shell of a human being, void of any soul.

Charli D’Mungrio has told the truth at least once in this article


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